Never say Goodbye

Sorrow oft times sings her song
through ice cold blasts and
whistles down the wind

Melodies which call between
the darkness and the light

She weeps for a silent heart
and sadness heaves its heavy
burden upon a mother’s shoulders.

Haunting notes here and there
reach in to touch so much more
than any words would ever do.

We forget we were born to fly
and love gives us wings

To fly as Angels do, above clouds
carried on the upward lift
of your beautiful love

Always say ‘adieu, so long’
but,
Never say Goodbye.

~*~

© Daydreamertoo       *All rights reserved

For Ann and Chris.

Shared with Poets United Think Tank #81

Silent Scream & Soliloquy

No-one hears the
silent scream
…but me.

The one that screams
out loud the most terrifying
sound but, its happening
from within.

The one that hides behind
the mask you wear for those
who don’t know your worries
…don’t know your
cares.

The scream that yells to
God from pain

Shouts at Him in rage

“Hey God…
If this is a test
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I’ve had my fill.
I’m sitting this one out.
I’m too tired and too weary
for you to test me anymore.”

But…

The voice of reason inside repeats

If God brings us to it…He will bring you through it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SOLILOQUY

I need to be strong
(tired of being strong)

I need to be Chloe’s Hero
(tired of being the hero)

I need to provide
(tired of trying to provide)

I need not to have to
(tired of having to)

I need not to need
(tired of needing)

I need a shoulder upon which to lean
(there is no shoulder to lean on)

I need to surrender
(faith allows no surrender)

I need to retreat
(there is no retreat)

So….. I scream the silent scream

And today

Rage at everything and
anything in
angry words that light
the page with a fire
that burns from this
hellish pain I thought
had gone away.

And then

the anger is spent
the scream inside me turns
to calm
silenced once again.

~*~

© Daydreamertoo      *All rights reserved

I was always told grieving is a process. All the experts tell us this in clinical, unfeeling terms. I loved deeply, so deeply that when my partner was dying, I felt a part of myself dying with her too. In fact I didn’t realise it until a very long time afterwards that yes, if we love that ‘soul-deep’ type of unconditional  love, a part of us does indeed die with the person who has passed.
I was so cynical about their cold ‘grieving’ process. How can they possibly describe that type of intense pain… the kind that feels as if someone has reached into your chest, ripped out your heart and left a wide gaping wound that no amount of time will ever heal and yet… they are right. Grieving is a process (for all it’s cold clinical terms)
I went through a year or more before I actually began to really grieve. For various reasons I’d had no choice but to live purely on fear, and fear alone for far too long. So long in fact, I had entirely forgotten what any other emotions felt like and had to then re-learn what it was to share joy and laughter again.
Once I was able to change our lives and in that way to let the very real fear I’d been forced by circumstances to live in go I then focused on my loss and I really began to grieve. I would suddenly have such an overwhelming rage. It would just rise up out of the blue and I had to be so careful because I would want to shout and scream and rage and lash out at anyone and everyone for my hurting. For the heartache.
And, that was when I turned inward, seeking answers to why love hurts, why God is so unkind, He takes away your joy, your blissful happiness and replaces it with raw and savage anger and a literal feeling of a broken-hearted aching pain in your chest and yet…
if we are lucky and we can go deep enough, we learn then that the pain we wish to have taken away, given away…. push away, is equal and the same as the joy of the love we shared. It is all a part of the same circle. We cannot give it away. It is ours. We enjoyed the pleasure of its love, but to enjoy love fully, we must always also end with knowing its pain.
Always been such a deep thinker (sometimes I think, I think too much) A friend of mine once told me I was talking rubbish when I said with all logic ‘Love cannot fail to hurt us”
She argued “love never hurts”
But, my point was that: Sooner or later, through illness, death, whatever, even if we spend a whole lifetime with someone, at some point, one or the other one get sick and we know the pain of watching them, or passes on, and one is left behind and knows the pain of loss, therefore, love cannot fail to hurt for whatever reason, eventually.

Anyway, although I believe in a higher power, I’ve never believed in any ‘organised’ religion. It took me over two years of deep introspection, and many prayers, much searching and seeking answers from God/The Gods and many moments of what my friends tell me have been ‘epiphany’ moments.  (These were moments that allowed me to see with so much more clarity, the ordinary, everyday things that are miracles in life, that through our rush to live our lives, we miss occurring all around us. We miss the point that life truly is a miracle, and such a precious gift and each of us is not an ‘I’ we are all ‘we’ and ‘we’ are all a part of the ‘cosmic oneness, an atom, connected to everything that exists everywhere.) And days when all alone on our favourite beach where I screamed and yelled to God and cried in pain and temper and prayers at the world and then I surrendered all the fight I had in me. Too tired to fight to survive anymore and all this had to happen before I was able to reconcile my anger/rages and realise that instead of pushing that dreadful pain away, I had to ‘own’ it. I had to open my arms and pull it into me and be glad to embrace it as being mine and, mine alone. I lived that love, I loved that love, I learned that love and, I discovered so much more about myself and having gone so deep, I found that universal light that resides in us all and in that depth of thinking/deepest meditation… I grew myself, and went through my own (like the Phoenix bird in my home page) re-birth again, on a much more spiritual basis than I had ever been before.

We all grieve differently, these two pieces I entered for dVerse Poets are just a part of what I went through as I learned to walk through the very real and, very long dark tunnel of the fog of grief. We never have to get over it, we do have to somehow learn to walk through it to get to the other side and come out of it (hopefully) re-born ourselves.

If this helps just ‘one’ someone else, I will be glad I posted and shared these thoughts today.

Shared with dVersePoets Poetics #Conversation/s

Silent Solace

SILENT SOLACE

Mirrors reflect clouds of unknowing
and contentment hides in secret spaces
of the mind.

I wake in chrsytalline dreams
where prisms of light
dance across the transient insomnia
of my soul

it’s ache
so indistinct

yet,

ever there.

The colours of my life tremble
as drops do quiver on
sublime and succulent strands
of movement that lend hope to
discovering that you
were here with me

but,
the dream fades

and too soon you leave me yet
to the night’s quiet realm
as wings still seeking comfort
glide upon an ocean of wind’s
silent solace.

~**~

© Daydreamer  Too        *All rights reserved   

 

This is something I wrote a long time ago, sharing it here because it is applicable to the Poetry Pot Luck and One Single Impression Promts. It’s not how I feel, today.

 Shared at Jingle Poetry Pot Luck Void-loneliness-sorrow  

and at: One Single Impression #173 (wind)