Signs

Walking Timmy on a peaceful, breezy day
wind warm and therefore, kind
he was on his walk-of-a-thousand-pees
I was on the walk
somehow
in search of finding, me.

Thoughts all over the place
on the edge of
once-upon-a-time-of-madness
trying to deep breathe
stop the heart from racing
tasting salt on my tongue
and loosing the inner fight
as years of suppressed chaos
began to rise.

Let go, let go, let go.

I ran the whole gamut of emotions
from helplessness and frustration
to trials and tribulations
that had yet to come
the anger, all consuming rage
and,
at the root of it all
the fear I’d learned to live on
and nothing else to survive.

A dark mood overwhelmed
which doesn’t usually happen
when I’m with Mother Nature.
I watched Tim enjoying himself
*Sighed*
looked at the dark clouds
and knew they suited my mood
but suddenly, an inner voice told
me to turn and look again.

Standing perfectly still
with the sun behind me
the bottom of the clouds almost black
so dark and gloomy
but a little higher they switched
to dark grey, higher still they
turned light grey until eventually
the tops were the purest white
of white I’ve ever seen with a
hint of silver behind.

Amazing.

I knew right then it was a sign.

A message for me to absorb
that that which I am seeking
is in me and, has been all along
but I’d been looking in all
the wrong places.

At that moment in time
I felt the true ‘oneness’ everyone speaks of
as if I were being held
in someone’s loving embrace
and was being assured
I’m never alone.

I smiled, spoke out aloud
not caring if anyone was there
saw or, thought me crazy
thanked the powers that be
in the universe
and smiled
for those blessings that
are still mine.

~*~

© Daydreamertoo              *All rights reserved

This was the beach walk we were on when this happened about 18 months after my partner had died.  I was going through all sorts of inner turmoil. Mind in chaos of anger, rage, abandonment, all sorts of feelings because, for nearly three long years (for various reasons too lengthy to go into) I had lived on no other emotion but fear and had truly forgotten how to feel anything other than the need of survival. It took such a long, long time to re-learn what it was to feel happy, to be at peace within and, maybe another three years of deep soul-searching to discover we have most of the answers we’re seeking within us all along but, we just don’t tend to have time or, maybe feel the need to sit still for long enough to find them.

Life is the gift…Learning to love without condition, is the lesson.

Eventually, I learned that I was much more deeply spiritual than I had ever even realised, but not until I was forced to look for those elusive answers to once again find my balance/centering/peace, deep within.

Shared with dVersePoets with Victoria C Slotto Meeting the Bar: Where in the World am I?
Poets United #102 Labyrinth

Epiphany

I sat upon the rocks
not knowing
who or what or, when.
Life and mind in chaos
couldn’t find the sense
among the madness.

Tears pooled then fell to
join the waters gentle lap, lapping.

An amateur when it comes
to love and loss
the cost, so high a price to pay.

I ranted and raved
gave it all away to You
in rage
Until spent…
closed my eyes, sat
within the stillness
and
…prayed.

The water gurgled, plopped
and sploshed against
those hardened rocks
then somehow,
found it’s way inside.

“Be like the water Bren
What water cannot penetrate
its diligent will, will not
be swayed from its objective.
It will find its way
over, under, around all obstacles
in its path but, it will eventually
reach its destination.
Be like the water Bren. Go within
its flow and stop trying to
swim against the tide and always
remember this; You are not alone.”

Tears forgotten as the waters music
somehow filled the gaping hole left
that was my soul
once again Mother nature’s nurture
had swept over me
and, washed me clean.

I opened my eyes to a new world
knowing then, I still had it all.
Nothing was lost.

Blue sky
Blue sea
greenest grasses and trees rustling
with their own music in harmony with
the sea
and yes, then I knew

Love is all.
It isn’t one person.
It isn’t me.
It’s in everything
we see, hear, touch, smell and taste.

Love is everywhere.
Is wherever we care to look for it
and once we see our own light
we cannot help but know

Oh yes, we know.

~*~
© Daydreamertoo *All rights reserved

The journey through grief is long and painful as we learn there is no other alternative, we must let go, but it’s not easy to do when all of your being doesn’t want to and fights against it.
This peace of this beach was where I learned so much about myself, life, love and our place in this world. We are so small, tiny on a scale of the universe and yet, not insignificant at all. We are each a vital piece of what makes it the ‘whole’, or the ‘oneness.’ It is without and within us all, but until circumstances force us to really dig deep inside for answers, so many of us never discover it.
Although you can’t see it in the picture or even in the video clip, when the tide is out you can sit on the very edge of the rock cliff on the right and be above the water.  With Chloe at school and Timmy (the dog) free to wander, I or we both would climb over the rocks and get to where I could just sit there and clear my mind, of everything. Moments of connection to ‘everything’ my friends tell me are epiphany. I asked for help, for answers to the heart-ache and, they were given.
Yes, I believe.

Shared with Three Word Wednesday CCLX1V #Amateur, Diligent, Nuture
With Real Toads Our connection with nature