Three Times My Life Has Opened

Three Times My Life Has Opened

Three times my life has opened.
Once, into darkness and rain.
Once, into what the body carries at all times within
it and starts to remember each time it enters the act of love.
Once, to the fire that holds all.
These three were not different.
You will recognize what I am saying or you will
not.
But outside my window all day a maple has
stepped from her leaves
like a woman in love with winter, dropping the
colored silks.
Neither are we different in what we know.
There is a door. It opens. Then it is closed. But a
slip of light stays, like a scrap of unreadable paper left on
the floor,
or the one red leaf the snow releases in March.
 

Jane Hirshfield The Lives of The Heart (1994-1997)

Letting Go of Love Hurts

 

Did you ever love someone so much, it hurts? ….I have…. twice.

My life partner passed away in Oct 2005, I loved her deeply and grieved just as deeply and, had to learn to accept that pain. Learn to embrace it and own it as being mine and accept it as the price I had to pay for loving without condition and, only then did I learn how to let her go.

When it hurts so much to lose someone you love, I have learned that instead of trying to push that pain and heart-ache away, and asking the Gods to take it away from you because you don’t want to suffer it anymore….you need instead, to ‘own’ it.  You had the pleasure of sharing the love, the pain you have when you lose it, is the price you have to pay and, unless and until you accept the pain/heart-ache and embrace it because it belonged to you and you alone, you won’t ever be able to let it go and, in so doing,  ease the pain. Once you ‘own’ your pain, you have learned the life-lesson and, you are then free and able to give it up to the ether and then, feel lighter.

Through my own insecurity and lack of belief in myself, the second person I fell in love with thought I was  jealous and, it truly wasn’t that at all, it was a constant nagging fear inside me of losing them, which made me cling on too tight and so, I lost her anyway…. because I screwed it all up, scared her away and lost her then to someone else.  So, I went into another deep mourning. Grieving her loss only, this person hadn’t passed away.

You’re happy that they are happy and because you love them you always want to know that they are happy but, you know that losing them was a lesson well learned about how you shouldn’t have behaved and you just know that if they had just trusted you with their heart just one more time and you had been their #1 priority instead of being caught up in a love triangle, you would’ve both known the bliss of sharing a beautiful friendship and love affair, because what you did share, when it was good, was a beautiful God-given thing, instead, your heart continually breaks at the loss of her into millions of tiny pieces.

I’ve always been so full of passion, I live, eat and breathe it. Everything I do is with and through passion.

I have loved this deeply twice, in my lifetime and, loving so deeply has changed me. Through losing my second love through my own failings, I have learned now to accept that, when someone tells me they love me, they mean it. They’re not just saying it and going through the motions, they actually do mean it~!!

I fell deeply in love with my late partner, deep enough to move countries to be with her and, when she died, I knew that I’d never truly loved. Oh, I thought what I felt was love but it wasn’t, because I knew I’d always kept a part of my heart back… just in case. With my late partner I trusted her love so much and through her love of me, I  learned to open up to allow myself to fully love and in return, it set me free to accept being loved unconditionally.  And, if I had trusted this other love I was given 3  years ago, life may well have been so very different now….who knows. Some things are meant to be and some things aren’t. This love we share is a soul-deep love, no matter how much bad feeling there’s been between us and no matter how much time passes, we have a need to have contact in one way or another and,  when she’s afraid, worried or in some type of emotional crisis, I can feel her still reaching out to me at times,  but…. maybe it just isn’t meant to be.

I just know I’ve been in mourning over it all too long now. It’s been too long a time and there’s no going back anymore so….. for my peace of mind I need to let it/her all go, again. She recently left the person she is with for two months to help a family member and, I had thought then that we may have another chance to be together once more but, it’s not what she wants for her life so, I need to leave her alone to live the life she’s choosing again now and pray she is always loved and happy…

So, common sense tells me I must close the door once and for all on all of this and seek out other doors that will surely open once I begin to look again.

*Who can say if your love grows, as your heart chose, only time..
And who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time.
…. Only time (Enya)

Quotes to live By

“If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a
loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as
the Angels give.” ~* George MacDonald *~

And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom  ~* Anaïs Nin ~*~

Let Your Light Shine

I try to live this.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine,
as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.”

~* Marianne Williamson *~

Early morning madness and the magic in the making.

As if we never said Goodbye 
This is from a musical by Sir Andrew LLoyd Webber created called ‘Sunset Boulevard.’

I’d only heard it a couple of times and the song kept playing over and over in my head this past few days. Couldn’t figure out why nor, where it was from. Hummed it to Chloe and she said: ‘It’s from my show Glee.’ I told her not to be daft, it’s an oldish song.  She was adamant it was from her show.  As it’s on Video on Demand, she found it and sure enough, it’s a song her fav character (who just happens to be gay) sings. Beautiful song, lovely words.
I miss ‘the early morning madness and, the magic in the making.’ So much.
Love this song. He sounds like a girl but, what a voice! Love the words.

"A Reason A Season or A Lifetime"

“A Reason, A season or, A Lifetime”

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or, spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON … Because your turn has come to share, grow or, learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The hardest part is in understanding who is meant to stay and, letting go of who is not.

“A Reason A Season or A Lifetime”

“A Reason, A season or, A Lifetime”

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or, spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realise is that our need has been met. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON … Because your turn has come to share, grow or, learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

The hardest part is in understanding who is meant to stay and, letting go of who is not.

Nothing is Impossible

Nothing is impossible, as long as you believe!
I have written a novel and my goal now, is to have it published.
My friends at Open Diary have asked me so many times over the past 11 years if I’ve had my pieces of prose/poetry published as antholgies because, if I had, they’d buy the books. What an incentive for any writer that is!

Here and There

Been living in Canada now since January 2002 and raising my late partner’s child but, miss England and my family there so much at times.
Joining Facebook has helped bring them closer because at least I can see all of their new pictures and read their updates each day but, sometimes it’s hard to be so far away from them all, especially when they are feeling a bit low.
Still, I’m grateful for what I have here and count myself blessed to be raising a child that I never would have had if I’d remained in England.
We live near here and, it’s truly a gentle, beautiful, magical island.