Did you ever love someone so much, it hurts? ….I have…. twice.
My life partner passed away in Oct 2005, I loved her deeply and grieved just as deeply and, had to learn to accept that pain. Learn to embrace it and own it as being mine and accept it as the price I had to pay for loving without condition and, only then did I learn how to let her go.
When it hurts so much to lose someone you love, I have learned that instead of trying to push that pain and heart-ache away, and asking the Gods to take it away from you because you don’t want to suffer it anymore….you need instead, to ‘own’ it. You had the pleasure of sharing the love, the pain you have when you lose it, is the price you have to pay and, unless and until you accept the pain/heart-ache and embrace it because it belonged to you and you alone, you won’t ever be able to let it go and, in so doing, ease the pain. Once you ‘own’ your pain, you have learned the life-lesson and, you are then free and able to give it up to the ether and then, feel lighter.
Through my own insecurity and lack of belief in myself, the second person I fell in love with thought I was jealous and, it truly wasn’t that at all, it was a constant nagging fear inside me of losing them, which made me cling on too tight and so, I lost her anyway…. because I screwed it all up, scared her away and lost her then to someone else. So, I went into another deep mourning. Grieving her loss only, this person hadn’t passed away.
You’re happy that they are happy and because you love them you always want to know that they are happy but, you know that losing them was a lesson well learned about how you shouldn’t have behaved and you just know that if they had just trusted you with their heart just one more time and you had been their #1 priority instead of being caught up in a love triangle, you would’ve both known the bliss of sharing a beautiful friendship and love affair, because what you did share, when it was good, was a beautiful God-given thing, instead, your heart continually breaks at the loss of her into millions of tiny pieces.
I’ve always been so full of passion, I live, eat and breathe it. Everything I do is with and through passion.
I have loved this deeply twice, in my lifetime and, loving so deeply has changed me. Through losing my second love through my own failings, I have learned now to accept that, when someone tells me they love me, they mean it. They’re not just saying it and going through the motions, they actually do mean it~!!
I fell deeply in love with my late partner, deep enough to move countries to be with her and, when she died, I knew that I’d never truly loved. Oh, I thought what I felt was love but it wasn’t, because I knew I’d always kept a part of my heart back… just in case. With my late partner I trusted her love so much and through her love of me, I learned to open up to allow myself to fully love and in return, it set me free to accept being loved unconditionally. And, if I had trusted this other love I was given 3 years ago, life may well have been so very different now….who knows. Some things are meant to be and some things aren’t. This love we share is a soul-deep love, no matter how much bad feeling there’s been between us and no matter how much time passes, we have a need to have contact in one way or another and, when she’s afraid, worried or in some type of emotional crisis, I can feel her still reaching out to me at times, but…. maybe it just isn’t meant to be.
I just know I’ve been in mourning over it all too long now. It’s been too long a time and there’s no going back anymore so….. for my peace of mind I need to let it/her all go, again. She recently left the person she is with for two months to help a family member and, I had thought then that we may have another chance to be together once more but, it’s not what she wants for her life so, I need to leave her alone to live the life she’s choosing again now and pray she is always loved and happy…
So, common sense tells me I must close the door once and for all on all of this and seek out other doors that will surely open once I begin to look again.
*Who can say if your love grows, as your heart chose, only time..
And who can say where the road goes, where the day flows, only time.
…. Only time (Enya)